And yet again were are here, again.... again..... again.... damn it

2nd week, 2nd school shooting. How in 2015 is this still acceptable in the USA? History, self narratives, libertarian ideal, and rapid technological change. We as a country have not kept pace with many of the root causes. This makes dealing with any of them progressively harder.

hey I wrote about something relevant 3 years ago.

http://caffeinatedlemurblog.blogspot.com/2012/12/context-its-kinda-important.html

anyhoo

History.

    The 2nd amendment doesn't mean what you probably think it means. Or at least it didn't at the time of it's writing. The founding fathers didn't think of themselves as "Americans." They thought of themselves as Englishmen in America. The Bill of Rights was mostly meant to codify rights they thought they had traditionally under English common law. As such land owning males (aka voters aka writers of the laws) had kept firearms since the fall of knights. For various reasons.

    How do we know this? Well they were very clear about it in the Federalist Papers. The letters and pamphlets used to sell the Bill of Rights. These discussions included why they were written and what they meant to the authors.

   Something proponents of gun control point out is that there was a need for well organized and trained militias. This was for a few reasons. 1) The newly formed collection of states was afraid of England returning in force to reclaim their territory. 2) The founders of the federal government were afraid of a national military becoming a tool of oppression by those in power. As had just happened against them. Sort of. This is also why the 3rd amendment exists. To prevent the same actions the British had taken from being used in the future by an oppressive American government. 3) At the time of founding the federal government had no mechanism or desire to raise the funds to pay for a standing army.

   As the revolution had been won on the backs of average people with hunting and sporting equipment like the Kentucky Rifle (not mentioning the mercenaries and outside nations wanting to stick it to the English Empire and expand their influence in the Western Hemisphere.) The American Revolutionary War was one of the first documented cases of practical sniping of high value targets, as riflemen would aim for commanders and cannoneers. This was unheard of at the time, and we would 200 years later come to resent other groups doing the same to us.

   The idea of keeping these same men trained, and ready to be called upon to defend the State, or Nation was one of the main thrusts of the original 2nd Amendment. Don't need to pay them, they aren't a standing army, and they would self arm. Win, win, and win.

   This would change after more states entered the union, the push to expand ever westward, the War of 1812, and of course the idea that a nation might not be taken seriously until a standing army was available to respond to incidents. Fun (awkward fact) until after the American Civil War, internationally the USA was seen as a very minor power, and considered not a military threat. Only the logistics of trans-Atlantic supply lines really kept people from seriously considering an invasion. Well that and the lucrative trade fighting between states. Huh trade fighting between states? That happens today. Other rant, other time.

Technology:

    Want to know the main technological difference as far as this debate goes between an old muzzle loader like the muskets and rifles (ignoring the whole percussion cap/flint lock issue) used during the revolution and the breech loading weapons that replaced them? Ease of use and rate of fire. A skilled, top tier shooter with the Kentucky Rifle hope to get 2 rounds a minute, perhaps more with some tricks of the trade, and with out careful aiming. The M1819 Hall Rifle which became America's first breech loading rifle and saw use during the American Civil War using a cartridge could fire 8-9 times a minute with much less training, and less need to stand up to load powder. That is a massive difference. It would take four highly trained Kentucky Riflemen to place as much lead in the air as one averagely trained soldier with an M1819 Hall Rifle.

    Not to mention now we are not talking musket balls, we are talking more aerodynamic slugs, that have ridges to grab the rifling. These slugs are also designed to be expanded into the chamber by the explosive force; allowing for a better seal in the rifle for a higher velocity. 1 soldier, 4 times the fire rate, effective range increasing from 200 yards to 1000 yards. How do you foresee that? A weapon system evolving so much in such a short time, that the context of it's use becomes so different between people a single generation later? The difference between a B17 Flying Fortress and a B2 Spirit? Faster, larger payload, harder to hit?

    Now single shot weapons are not the only player on the field. Dr Richard Gatling developed a practical repeating rifle, and one of the first deployed machine guns as we define them today. While not a perfect design (plagued with misfires, feed jams, and poor maintenance leading to gear issues) the same basic design would 115 years later scare the crap out of the USSR when electrified and put into the air. The Gatling Gun was capable of 200 rounds a minute. While taking a crew of 4 to operate, that would out pace almost any marching formation. Gatling designed it hoping to shrink the size of standing armies, and to make war futile by making storming a Gatling Gun defended position impossible. Something Sir Hiram Stevens Maxim would think again when he designs and sells the Maxim Machine Gun to multiple world armies. As does Alfred Nobel think when he give the world dynamite. Alfred Nobel was so scarred about what his invention did to Europe in WWI that he started the Nobel Prize to help reward attempts at peace and science for sciences sake.

    In a pattern that is to be repeat time and time again, the new weapons simply cause high casualties at first under the old tactics and strategies. Then as battlefields adapt, usage and counter usage advances, casualty rates drop, but remain higher than before the new technology. By WWII we have as a species developed automatic handguns, rifles, sub-machine guns, and battle field flame throwers.

   Again, with no way to foresee any of these in the time of the writing of the 2nd Amendment. Not quite convinced that the technology has far surpassed the original use of the text? Let us mention ammunition. We have already touched upon the difference between a musket ball and a civil war slug. Now let us talk about current options.

   How cruel/task specific do you want to get? Hunting, hollow point, or soft lead gotcha covered. Need to penetrate cover, or armor? Metal jacketed, or metal cored Armor Piercing rounds will punch through quite a bit. Add some Teflon coating on top and those weaved protections are now less viable. Short range? Replace a shotgun slug or shot with a flechette charge. Now you have a high velocity hard to remove shrapnel. Want to wound without killing, or maybe start a fire? Magnesium and Phosphorus rounds have you covered there. Oh, some of these not legal in your area? Do you have access to an ammunition press, a 3D printer, and or some power tools you can get at the local hardware store? Whelp so much for that.

Also yes, we now live in a world were you can 3D print a gun.

Here I was going to go on about gun culture, how it has evolved from, novelty of inventors, and monks. It later becomes a hunting weapon and status symbol of the rich. Later becoming the survival and imperial tool of explorers and conquerors. Then slowly becoming the answer to all conflicts, to have the better gun, to use the gun better, quicker, and smarter.

I then realized I am at 1400 words already. Then I wanted to talk about America's love of Libertarian ideals in the sense that the right to swing my fist stops at your nose. As long as it doesn't affect you what I do is my business (mostly, except bedrooms, doctors, and perhaps, childcare.) Then again 1400 words. I was really gonna go into the data of other countries and cultures. How America used to blatantly steal the best ideas around (what I call the post Commodore Perry Japan.)

You get the point.

I was gonna make a pretty bibliography, and insert proper citations everywhere. I mean EVERYWHERE.

I am tired. Tired of writing this again. Tired of talking about this again. Tired of feeling like a reasonable person, willing to listen, learn, and approach an obvious problem pragmatically in hopes of finding a better day tomorrow than today.

And that is why things don't change. This conversation is not easy, it takes buy in. It takes time, energy and the willingness to listen to all concerns. That is a finite resource in a human. Literally a finite resource. There is only so much energy someone can output before wearing out.

At this point I wanted to go into my growing up post Kip Kinkle, in Oregon. Being the weird white kid, that some people labeled “dangerous.” And how I have no way of putting myself in the shoes of a kid who isn't white today, who may be labeled a terrorist, and knows they are more in danger of someone else shooting the school then a terrorist bombing the school. Also, white people who shoot schools are terrorists. By definition.

See again I am tired.

So once again I post my impotent rage, into the void, safe knowing no one will read this far. Knowing as much as I want this conversation I cannot maintain the energy required. And that part of the fault for the continued culture of gun violence in my country is my laziness and failure to be proactive.

/end rant

I am sorry NFL, but after 32 years... I think I have to say we are over

     So again it has been awhile.  This blog was literally in mothballs as I was using the space as a staging area for an other project.  It is now 1:24am and I can't sleep because this is something I need to get out long form to get my ideas to coalesce.  So I have restored this blog to it's previous state and here we are going into another sleep deprived rambling self exlporation....

(aka pompous pontificating)

     I have written about this before.  I grew up in a sports fan household.  Specifically I grew up in a San Fransisco 49ers fan's house.  My dad and grandad are both life long 49ers fans being from San Fran themselves.  During my dad's childhood the 49ers were historically not a very good team.  By the time he had moved up to Oregon Bill Walsh had come to the organization and they were winning.  So my earliest sports memories are of the Joe Montana lead 49ers beating the Bengals in the Supebowl (for the 2nd time.)

     I remember rooting for Joe Montana, and Jerry Rice.  Watching Roger Craig run and catch out of the backfield, and watching Ronny Lott lay the hit on receivers across the league.   I still remember my friends dad taking us up to the Kingdome to watch the Raiders take on the Seahawks when they had Warren Moon.  My friends dad was a huge Raiders fan, so watching Moon set a passing record and beat the Raiders made for an ugly drive home.  I remember being devastated as a kid as Joe Montana eventually went to the Chiefs and never being a Steve Young fan.

     This was Sunday, and Monday evenings.  My dad and I and then later my younger brothers as well would spend the days watching the games,.  We would be yelling at the calls, screaming at the refs, and cringing at the losses.  This is what I remember as something that brought us all together.  Eventually my youngest brothers would play peewee football, and one of them would even play Varsity High School football.  He was no starter, something he is now thankful for, but again football was always present.

     My dad has also been doing fantasy football for over 25 years.  He is part of one of those old school rotisserie leagues.  He used to have to compile the numbers by hand each weak on yellow legal pads on Wednesdays after the stats were finalized.  They now use a Yahoo league, except they still do it by hand for the play offs because no online league does playoff weeks the way they do.  So I also used to play fantasy football.  I remember the years were Trent Green with the Chiefs was the number 1 fantasy scoring QB for 3 years straight.

     So this is really hard to say.

     NFL, we are done.  I am not going to watch you anymore.  I am not going to wear your shirts anymore.  I will not buy your products as gifts.  I will not listen to your podcasts.  I will not watch your DVDs on the Superbowls.  I am done.  This is a decision I have been fighting with over the last 3 years or so.  There is no one thing that is making me come to this.  This is a cumulative decision that can no longer be pushed back any further. 

    There are so many factors, I don't know where to start.  So let us start with the explayers.  The NFL does not take care of veteran and explayers.  In fact the league often goes to lengths to prevent players who have visibly severe symptoms from their wear and tear disappear from public view.  There is no medical coverage for players hurt during the games, let alone practice, work outs, or any other phase of the NFL year.

     Let us talk about those injuries.  The research is coming in.  Brain damage from football starts young.  Peewee football young.  Advanced Chronic traumatic encephalopathy (CTE) has been found in High School football players (http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/league-of-denial/) .  This is something the league has known about for at least a decade.  In fact they resisted new more advanced helmets being issued to players out of fear it could be seen as an admission that the older helmets were not good enough.  Which is terrible reasoning both legal and health.

     We are better at rebuilding knees and shoulders, but Concussion Syndrome is not something you get over.  There are players who cant get the cushy TV job because they lights literally blind them and cause them such severe headaches they are unable to function.  That is not to mention the depression, the self medication, and the lack of support.  This is not something that goes away.
Jim McMahon was so beat up after his NFL career he had to have a hole drilled in his head to relieve the pressure on his brain from the swelling.

     Then while that is going on a body never really heals from those physical injuries, it only mends them enough to hold back together.  They stay with you.  Many veteran players have difficulty just walking with out pain.  NFL linemen who spent their whole careers unhealthily overweight may suffer even more with metabolic and cardiovascular issues.

     So here is something funny.  Did you know that each team and the league itself are all registered as not for profits?  They don't really pay much of taxes because the US Congress exempted them.  This is a multi billion dollar industry that is listed as a nonprofit.  Teams regularly hold cities and municipalities hostage for hundreds of millions of dollars of tax payer money to build new stadiums or improve facilities.  Yet they pay very little directly back and collect the profits themselves.

     For nonprofits they are run very much like a business, like a brand.  Players illegal gets hidden from those who would cause discipline because "the loss of that player would make us less competitive."  So what if he beats is wife, he is a 1000 yard back and we need him.  So what if he beats his kid, he is a league MVP and we need him to sell tickets (http://deadspin.com/ex-nfl-exec-says-teams-covered-up-hundreds-of-domesti-1644517506) 

     This is a sport that uses and discards people as quick as it can, hides its dirty laundry how ever it can.  And we haven't even gotten to the racial aspect of this yet.  Or the way the lack of pressure from the NFL keeps the NCAA from facing real reform needed, and hurts the NFL itself in my opinion as it gets less polished players in the draft.  Or how about the NFL's need to expand beyond North America but with no player base to do it?  Or about Direct TV's Sunday Ticket deal which is shady.  Then there is Thursday night football which is just terrible.  This list just keeps growing.

    And that is why I am done.  I know Sunday my Dad and brothers will gather around the TV and watch the games together, and complain when their fantasy players don't make the play.  But I won't join them.  The NFL won't miss me.  It will make its billions of dollars, and keep ticking just fine.  I will miss it.  But I can't be a piece of the support anymore.

So long NFL, thanks for 32 years.

Whats the line? Dying is easy, comdey is hard

So last week I did something I honestly thought I wouldnt do again.  I went to an open mic...ok the open mic comedy for me.  The Boiler Room.  And I did a set of new material.  Keep in mind it has been several years since I've been on stage.  It has been even longer since I wrote new material.  My plans for that night were rescheduled, and so deciding I should still go out, I did. 

I bombed.

Hard.

And I loved it.

The hard thing about comedy is everything about comedy.  You have to be energetic with out being distracting, confident without being blind to the audience before you.  There is a need for timing and rythm to get the audience to take the ride with you.  A very smart man once told me a good comedy set is about taking the audience from where they expect (from your look/sound) to where you want to take them.  Very hard to do in 3 to 5 minutes.

I have often said its alot like flight hours.  There are things you can only learn by getting on stage, holding the mic, being blinded by the spotlight, and doing your best.  Then getting up and doing it again.  If you take time off you get rusty, and it takes awhile to get it back.

The truly great comics need to be onstage.  It's not a matter of "oh there's a open mic, I should go and hang out."  The ones who are going to be good think "ok, I can hit the first one and be off of stage by 8:45 which leaves me enough time to catch the second one, if I hit tomorrows in Vancouver than I can hit both in Portland on Thursday."  It's a need to be up every chance you get.  And the NW scene has historically had a very friendly, welcoming comic community, with much available stage time. 

I was never a "have to be onstage" guy, I was "its something to do, and I can hang out with the comics after" kinda guy.  So I thought I was done many a year ago.

And yet, I am trying to write new material again, begining to map out the mics.  Maybe I will be more passionate this time.


Or maybe i will just flake out like last time.

We will see.

damn it

ok twitter, you win.... *mumbling profanities as he walks off stage*

Coffee fueld thoughts on the new Arrested Developement episodes

So now that I've watched the new episodes I feel like writing some thoughts.  I am a huge fan of the first 3 seasons.  I bought the DVDs, and watch them about once a year.  By now everyone knows the story.  A quirky show, well written, acted with great timing.   Put on at a time on Fox, when shows were being canceled left and right for various reasons.  After being canceled there were many attempts to bring it back, and a long time running attempt to get a movie done.  Finally Netfilx was able to finance a 4th season, and they put it all streaming. (Quick heads up I spent 10 months, as a temp to hire working for Netflix customer service.  It sucked.) 

So much like Futurama, the return has come with high expectations.  But even if it doesn't live up to the expectation, it can still be better than alot of what is out there right now.  That is not even the important part.   It's all about distribution.  'They' are saying network TV is dying.  'They' (and really who is this they group anyways... other than media critics, market analysts, internet viewers, and content producers) may be right.  Cable and Satellite have been slow to adapt to new viewing patterns.  What ever, just go watch the damned episodes already.

Epic Monaco Gran Prix is Epic... god I hate the phrase "Epic"...

So as the two random internet gnomes who still read this know, I love me some hard core, full throttle, (insert sexual innuendo motor-sport phrase) F1 racing. And for me there are 3 races that are special.  In reverse order they are...

Suzuka

Imola

and #1 is Monaco.

Suzuka is where many a championship has been won and lost.  The high speed turn and s's are the standards in which teams design their cars to survive.

Imola is the fastest track, and has a dark history.  Many a great has been wrecked on that course.  What more it is a track every driver must respect as it has claimed the lives of several F1 drivers, including the great Ayrton Senna.

But the true test of a driver is the Monaco Gran Prix.  The very tight track, very short straights, tight turns, elevation changes, and the famous hair pin turn require complete concentration.  If a driver looses focus for a moment, they will end up in a wall.  Overtaking, even with KERS and DRS is almost impossible, so to make it stick is a feat only skill can make happen.  Ontop of that, if we get rain, the course becomes brutal.  Only the best of the best can make it around with any consistency and speed.

That is not to mention the history.  The street circuit that is the Monaco Gran Prix has been raced competitively since before being a "Gran Prix" was even a thing.  This is a race that predates Formula 1 itself.  Being able to win at Monaco cements a drivers name in racing history.  And you cant help feel that history even through the practice sessions.

An almost true story... sort of...

So after the last couple of serious posts times for something silly. 

37½ minutes.

As of last month that's my personal record for shortest train-wreck of a blind date yet.  Yes that's right, 37½ minutes from hello, to good bye for ever.

So remember, like a game of Risk, at the game of blind dates I "win."  You're welcome.

Part 2 of serriously guys... PROGTFO

Ok.  I'm still festering with that small twinge of pain  that comes from knowing we as a community done bad.  Or more accurately failed to do right for the wrong reasons.  This is why we can't have nice things guys.  This is a conflict so old, we refuse to see it clearly anymore.  As I said last time.  This is a conflict of My needs vs the Community's needs.  My power vs the Community's power.  How much do I give up to stay a member of a community?  How much does the community surrender to keep me as a member?

We stopped talking like this, now we talk about rights and freedoms.  I've quoted it before, but heck is a classic.  Historically the right for you to swing your fist stops at my face.  That's the liberal history of common law more or less.  (Ok, that was a way over simplification, but screw you I'm cranky.)  We refuse to surrender autonomy to the whole except out of fear.  The community as a whole refuses to surrender authority except out of desperation.  Security vs Revolution.  We give up privacy and expedience for the feeling of security and protection.  The group gives up authority when it feels threatened with replacement, or extreme conflict.  Not exactly a pattern of behavior capable of solving long term issues.

Rights and Freedoms must be balances with Responsibilities and Duties.  The right for you to burn your waste vs your duty to the health of your neighbors.  In this light even security vs privacy makes a more coherent discussion.  The duty of the community to protect you as a member, versus your rights to be left alone as a member of the community.  Its about balance.  Nothing is absolute.  There is no black and white, only shades of colors.  There is a natural push and pull, but nothing is meant to be a final answer.  Its fluid, changing over time as we change, as where we are change, and as who we are changes.

This really is not a new problem.  It is a problem as older than civilization, and will be with us to our last days.  This is not a problem you solve.  This an equation you constantly rebalance.  This isn't about winners and losers.  Though we really do love that part of the rebalancing.   Its about being honest and flexible. 

This is hard to admit.  That as a member of a group I have responsibilities and duties to the group is not a fun idea for a nation of individualists.  Yet we are quick to accept the group has duties to us.  This is not a one way equation.  We all have duties to each other, if only in the simplest terms, to stop our fists at other people's faces.

I wish I had more energy for trying to pull these discussions out of people.  Because the most I have learned about an idea I thought I was certain on was through exploring this balance.  Understanding were the give and take was.  Trying to find my comfort of were to balance the scales.  Getting people to see the issue in this framework is not easy.  Most take the idea of their Rights and Freedoms  very seriously, which is fine.  They however take the ideas of responsibility and duties for those rights lightly, or not at all.

I had a point somewhere, but I lost it.  Sorry.  Next time maybe I will tell a funny story, or just link a cat video from youtube or something.  /end rant(s)

*sigh* ... ok one last time... PROGTFO

I am a Portland man, born as a Portland baby, raised as a Portland child, floundered as a Portland boy, in the end finding my way as a Portland man.  I have traveled here and there.  After all that I am, no matter where I go, a Portland man.  That is why I feel some sense of shame tonight.

Tonight is another reminder of for all of the forward looking, really wanting to do good this place has to offer, how easy it is to have it fucked all up by the simplest things.

Fluoride.

That's right, fluoride.  The city just took a vote on whether or not to start fluoridating the water.  The answer was close as makes no difference 60% no.  I am not surprised, I am not angry, I am not confused.  All I am is a little bit sad, and somewhat ashamed.  This is a fight we as a community have had several times in other guises.  We talk in terms of choice vs mandate, and safety vs risk.  But really the talk is couched terms for us vs them, seen vs unseen.  The words of elite vs masses, individual vs community.

Let me try to explain.  As anyone who has seen a Netflix'd (how weird is it that Netflix becoming a verb?) episode of Portlandia knows, we are a strange little group.  Historical roots of natives, trappers, racists, loggers, shippers, miners, sailors, hippies, communes, and Californian refuges.  We forget that, alot.  Especially here in the population center of the state.  We forget that we are unique because of how many different groups that cant stand each other find ways to coexist for the most part.  Now yes, it helps that were are not a very racially diverse state.  And that most of the American Indians (as I am told is the current PC to say, as the treaties that were never honored are labeled as such) have moved closer to the reservations with the new casinos have left us ever whiter.  But it is also because we tend to give people space, and leave most people to themselves.  Oregon has a very strong libertarian streak.

Portland, or at least parts of it have very progressive and or liberal leanings.  Again news to no one I'm sure.  Which makes the cognitive dissonance painful to watch.  We will fight to impose manslaughter charges on a commune of Christian Scientists who refuse medical treatment for their children.  Then turn around and refuse vaccines for our own.  Demand mandatory minimum sentences for  crimes, originally violent, then non-violent drug crimes.  Then come back and pass medical marijuana laws.  Demand that our "historical" neighborhoods pass new codes to "keep their identities."  Afterwords refusing to fluoridate the water.  Us vs Them.  Me vs You.  Seen vs Unseen.

We never have the talk at the root of the issues.  How much of my choice do I give up on balance for the communities interest?  How much must the community adapt and meet My unique needs as an individual?  There is no easy answer.  Its fluid.  It depends on  place, time, subject matter, historical context.  No wonder we never have the big talk.  We are afraid of it.

One radio ad talking point from the anti-fluoride campaign speaks volumes.  "We have over 200 local doctors who oppose fluoridation.  Shouldn't you?"  Well... no.  We have almost 600,000 people in Portland proper, and almost 2.3 Million in the greater Portland Metro area.  A quick search on WebMD shows 1543 registers general care practicians in Portland.(http://doctor.webmd.com/local/oregon/portland.htm 5/21/2013 10:21 PM PST)  Not counting dentists, specialists, homeopaths, and various other healers that pepper our schizophrenic hills.  But using that 200 is only about 13%.  Oh by the way, the 200 number is not MD's, rather a large collection of various homeopaths, such as chiropractors, acupuncturists, and massage therapists.  Yes there are MD's proper in the group but its a small fraction. (http://www.opb.org/news/series/fluoride/naturopaths-and-acupuncturists-lead-list-of-medical-professionals-opposed-to-fluoridation/)

Why then does this point work on people?  Because its not about doctors, or peer review, or greater good, or personal choice.  Not really anyways.  Sure some of that colors the fringe of the decisions, but mostly its simply something much sadder.  Don't tell me what to do.  But you god damn better do it My way.

Sorry this is a long one both of my readers, but its going to get longer. I will try to make it worth it.

Lets look at the Seen vs Unseen.  I don't think most affluent people in this, or any other community truly understand the life changes that happen when you have no dental coverage, or dental support.   Simply saying "well I brush my teeth, so should you" completely misses the point.  Most working poor cant truly afford healthcare.  Even after many of the recent reforms have begun to kick in, even with the Oregon Health Plan, there just isnt the coverage for people with out money in a for profit system.  Those who have basic or limited medical coverage don't have dental coverage.  Dental is expensive.  There's more than just brushing twice a day.  There's catching small problems early, orthodontia to deal that as a species we are still evolving and many of us are born with more teeth than will fit in our historically smaller mouths.  Our diets as a society have changed, the poorest of us eat the worst food for us.  Because that's whats subsidized, that's how you get 2000 calories at $5 a day.

Those with decent health care and dental care dont understand the unique hell that is dental pain.  Sure they may have had a root canal done once, or braces, or have had a cavity filled.  They maybe even had wisdom tooth issues as many do.  But do they really know what its like to live with those symptoms untreated for weeks, months, years, or even decades?  God I wish I was speaking in hyperbole.  For the most vulnerable of us this is life.  Take the tooth ace, that tooth infection, the soreness from the decay.  Now let it fester.  Let it sit there in your mouth day upon day, week upon week.  You cant concentrate the way you should, the pain is becoming the background noise to your life, you dont notice it because its always there, only worse with certain food or drink.  So you avoid those foods and drinks.  You move away from whole, unprocessed food because it requires more mastication which hurts, hurts bad.  You move to processed smooth foods with have so much less of the nutrition you need, and alot of the nutritional garbage you dont.  Now the pain continues to get worse because you cant afford the dentists that you so badly needed years go.  Even if you go now the bill will be with you for years to come.  You are tired all time, both your mind and body feel like they are running on fumes.  So you self medication.  You take a cocktail of Advil and Tylenol, maybe something stronger you get from a friend, or left over pain medication from family.

How long could you live like this?  Honestly take a moment and think, how long before you broke down?  How long before you accept the debt to end it?  Or simply find new ways of adapting and self medicating?

I was one of these people.  I worked with these people.  This is the working poor that surround us.  Our cooks, our cleaners, our drivers, our gardeners.  These are the children of the working poor.  We never have the talk about the most good for the most of us.  Let alone the sacrifices the most comfortable of us should make to protect the least well off that our comfort is built upon.  Yes, there are some health risks with high levels of fluoride.  Same is true of anything really.  Too much vitamin E will give you cancer, too much sun will burn you, too much water will drown you.  And yes the amount that is too much is different person to person.  That's the whole point of having a pro-con discussion.  Being honest and weighing risks and benefits.  Of admitting that on the whole I might like everything about it, but this can be a piece of the puzzle.

There are so many peered reviewed studies showing the link between dental health and total health.


Fluoridation is not a magic bullet.  It will not stop tooth decay.  It as a tool, one that works.  It a piece of a complicated solution to a complicated problem.  But we are all children, and refuse to admit the place we are, the places we want to go, and the paths to get there.

But that's not what the fight was about.  The fight was about "Its not my problem, I have dental care, so don't force it on me."  The issue was never that hardest of us to reach are the ones who need the help the most.  It was never an objective study of decades of peer reviewed work.  It was Seen vs Unseen.  Me vs Them.  Elite vs Masses.

And that's why I am ashamed tonight.

Blaaarg! Why do I do this stuff?

Let me be blunt.  I fucking hate people.  But, as I have said many a time before, I have great faith in the future of humanity.  Yay cognitive dissonance.  I work a job, a customer service job basically, that requires interaction with many many many people a day.   I do it because it pays well, and thanks to years of training, and various side things such as my attempts at standup comedy, or team forming for competitive what ever have yous I am damned good at it.  Being good does not make me suited for this work in some ways.  It takes alot of mental and and "social" energy to fake it all shift long.  By the time I get off of work I'm spent.  This is not a very physical job by any stretch, yet it is possibly the most draining job I have ever worked.  I used to work 14 hour days in restaurants if you want a measuring stick. 

Why is this so draining?  Well as I just said, I hate dealing with people.  People suck.  A person can be awesome, helpful, amazing even.  However, when grouped together people tend to suck with great vigor.   Also being a human being... sometimes, I remember the bad interactions more than the good.  Any CS Rep will tell you that.  A customer who gets great service just accepts it, and tells almost no one.  A customer who gets bad service tells on average 5 people, and a customer who gets beyond amazing service (as in service that there is no way to routinely replication due to staffing/quotas/service level agreements/stats/money/monkeys/etc) only tells 1 or 2 people on average.  Its a loosing game.  Any one who's job security or pay rate is determined by surveys knows that the better service you give the fewer people take the damned thing. 

So I do this job.  Hoping one day to be away from people.  Because for now, when I get home from work I have nothing left.  I dont want to see friends, family, or strangers.  I dont want to do the physical activities I love.  I have no drive to go and be on stage, write new material, work on my blog, cook something from scratch, or anything else.  I just want to unplug, and zone out.  Which is the vicious cycle.  The less I get out in the world, the fewer things I do just for fun, the less stress I am able to rid myself of.   Which makes me more withdrawn.  I could do jobs that require less of me, but then the stress of money becomes too great.  So again, yay.

Thinking now, it has literally been years since I've been onstage.  I wrote some new material months ago... but never went back to work on it to make it ready to try out.  It got lost in a computer crash and I haven't even tried to rewrite it. 

And here comes the silver lining.

Its spring time... sorta... chronologically, and soon the weather will be decent as well.  Which means on my days off I will go out to the tennis court, or driving range, or paintball field, or for a jog in the park.  I will want to stay up late and see a good show, hang out with friends again.  It will get better.  But for now, I just want to hibernate in my cave in hide from those stupid people I have to deal with on a daily basis.  Which sadly means hiding from me, because as a person type thing, I'm a stupid person too.  So it goes.

Super Bowls

I love the Superbowl.

No not for the damned commercials.  I love the super bowl because I love NFL football, and the game is the reward for two teams who had to survive a grueling season, and make it out of the playoffs.  This is were two teams have proven they alone have the right to play each other for the big trophy.

That is all

On the fun of getting lost...

So now that my almost forced bed rest has come to an end, it's time for me to get back to being active.  The slow often frustrating process of getting my body back into shape... or at least able be active for 10 minutes with out collapsing in a quivering pile of sweat.  So to get started I went for a 15 minute jog... that became an hour walk back to my place. 

I got lost.

It was fun.

I have often enjoyed getting lost and enjoying the randomness of the journey back.  Seeing things I would never have otherwise.  I think my favorite time getting lost was the summer of 2000 as an exchange student to Germany.  Having just spend 10 hours in San Fransisco International Airport, then 14 hours flying to Frankfurt, with another layover then flight to Berlin, I  had slept plenty.  So had a couple of others on the trip.  Never mind it was 3am once we where checked in to the hostel, we snuck out and went a wandering.  We walked down the streets of Berlin in the wee hours of the morning.

Some went and found the discotheques, and got a song stuck in their heads that they made sure got stuck in all of ours later.   Eventually I was wandering down the streets by myself as some of the cafes and bakeries where just opening.  It was amazing.  I was able to find a nice place to sit, with an amazing pastries (the Germans know their chocolate, just saying) and watch the historic city waken.

Nothing wrong with getting lost, as long as you make the time for it, I should do it more often.

New stuff is neat... gimme gimme gimme...

I like new things.  There I said it.  I love new science, new technologies, new media, new games, new friends, new enemies, new favorite sandwich.  Yet I hate change... go figure.

Mostly though I like the idea of us as a species learning new things.  The fact that some of us as humans are able to peer deeper into the mysteries of the physical universe and find proof of the Higgs Boson, or dark matter, or able to give sight back to the blind, take the idea of memory away from the realm of then metaphysic to the realm of them empiricist.  We as a species are damned impressive.  Humanity defintly has its moments of glory.

I am an odd duck.  Ok you knew that but still let me explain.  I am pessimistic about our immediate future most of the time.  I feel the systems we have built for ourselves have become our cages more often than not.  We have the inability to take the long view, and that might be an evolutionary issue.  But here's the odd part, I am optimistic for our long term as a species.

Granted, to steal a classic phrase, we stand on the shoulders of giants.  The collective knowledge, cultural heritage, and technology are the products of a very special few amongst the very many average rest of us.  Einstein, Newton, Voltaire, Plato, Sun Tzu, Lao Tse, and a handful of others are the diamonds in the rough of humanity.  We the masses benefit from their genius, while being unable to truly join them in their understanding.  Newton was so far beyond, he had to create a new level of mathematics just to described the new science he laid out in physics.  I will never approach that level of discovery.

But we don't stop, the best of us keep going, pressing out to the borders of our collective knowledge, our collective cultures, our technologies.  The next wave builds upon the collected work of all the previous generations.  Well ok, the works that survived.  But still, that's alot.  This is our light in the darkness, to blatantly steal from Carl Sagan.  Our reason, our adaptation to new ideas, and our drive to understand.  Our light only gets brighter.  Just as the days get longer, as we pass the solstice of darkest nights, so to does our collected us shine stronger and brighter.

I am a pretty bad pessimist.  I have hope in us all.  I blame the Quakers.... but that's another rant for another day.

Context, its kinda important... historically speaking ....

So with a degree in Polisci, and that pesky minor in Philosophy, I get roped into more conversations about random things than I should.  Though to be fair, I would probably get into those anyways.  The problem though is that often it can be like pounding your head against a electrified brick wall.  Its shockingly painful.   Yeah not a great pun but its early and I'm confuzled.

Whats most painful is what my old anthropology professor called the "Flintstone Fallacy."  We have a tendency to project the way of life we live into past cultures and histories.  After all, to blatantly rip off many funnier comedians than I, how does Fred Flintstone celebrate the mass commemorating Jesus Christs birth 1,000 years give or take before he was born?  We assume because its been around us our whole life... or most of it anyways, that it must always have been.

This projection creates illusions.  When we dont know the details we fill in the gaps with our experiences, which often would have been so alien to those we are projecting ourselves on.  I have no idea what it would have been like to live day in and day out as a recently conquered addition to the Roman Empire.  I have no personal context to be one of the first wandering tribes to sow seeds and grow barley, or rice, to ferment into the first beers.  There has been no part of my life that would let me empathize with a son of "untouchable" in any true class structured society.

Being an American having discussions about international politics and foreign policy is quickly becoming closer to conversations at the end of the British Empire.  I cant explain where I think we as the American Empire should go without either assuming the other people in the discussion know the basic histories for 1,000+ years, or taking the time to cliff notes my basic history knowledge.

How can I expect people to understand the guilt that seems to drive modern Germany's desire to hold the EU together with all of its resources, while at the same time pointing to the lack of historical memory that is creating many of the same frameworks around those other EU members that led to the guilt in the first place?  Or why chlorinated pools are still frowned upon in most of Europe with out understanding the horrors of the first World War.  Understanding the problems of trying to occupy Afghanistan require 2,000 years of history, and an understanding of the many Abraham theologies.  How can I have a discussion about what the Bill of Rights means when we quite literally have different meanings for some of the words used due to the evolution of our language and culture.

Looking up I can see this is a longer rant... but I am going to keep going... sorry the unknown internet gnomes.

What has me frustrated this time, is the 2nd amendment talk.  I live in a part of the country that has had some terrible shootings in my life time.  I also live in a part of the country that was first re-settled (there were already people living here) by trappers and hunters, and later loggers and fishermen.  There is a strong history of firearms in this state.  As a matter of fact the state constitutions copy and pasted definitions of firearms is so murky that it would take case to the state supreme court to clarify it, and that's not a case that anyone would be part of. (Quick side note, due to the way the definitions are written, it is a plausible interpretation that anything that can fully automatically shoot projectiles can count as a machine gun with out first counting as a fire arm.  Now in daily life this is merely one of those quirky things no one has do deal with.  But it could lead to difficult legislation enforcement down the road.)  However, there is no historical understanding.  Very few people I have met can truly put themselves into the shoes of a recently freed colony, that won its freedom from an Empire that did not use its full resources, out of needing them to deal with the French, and has made no secret it may try to reclaim the newly freed colony later.  This is an era before national conflict as we see it today.  Pre-industrial war, before Napoleon, and Clausewitz, before some of major technological and organizational advancements that shape every military to this day.

Let me be very blunt.  There was a different understanding of what the 2nd amendment was supposed to be than what it is assumed to be today.  To be fair that's true of most of the amendments.  There was a reasonable fear that British would attempt to reclaim their old colony.  (See the war of 1812 to understand how reasonable that fear was.)  With out a large (or any real) standing army, the need was to be able to draw up militias from the people in the time of national defense.  Also this was a time when the average soldiers weapon was not too different from a hunters weapon.  This is no longer true.  While the average difference in a breach loading weapon where minimal except smooth bore vs. rifled, there is a massive difference today.  A bolt action Remington Model 798 hunting rifle while very effective is a world apart from a Barret M99-1 which is a .50 military sniper rifle.  They are no longer analogous.  Even the ammunition is different.  Where a hunter may use soft lead, or hollow points, a military use may include flechette, full metal jacketed, depleted uranium, Teflon coated, tracer, explosive, or sabot rounds, and if the military use in question decides to to adhere to conventions there are even more exotic and dangerous options.

But that's not the biggest part of the missing conversation.  That comes from the 80's... though to be fair-ish it goes further back.  In the 80's the US pretty much made it illegal to have severe mental health issues.  Let me explain.  The mental health system at the time was barbarous, and really was doing a lot of harm.  There were not a lot of long term healthy outcomes as much as facilities for long term observation and long term hospitalization.  There was a very real need to reform the system.  What ended up happening is many "insane asylums" where shut down, and the ability to admit someone that needed help but was not an imminent threat to themselves or others was all but abolished.  The mental health system was gutted.  So those with severe mental health problems often end up on the streets, self medicating, or end up participating in the revolving doors of jails and prisons being held for minimum amounts of time before being released again.  While this is not always what happens, it is common enough to be worrisome. 

We treat mental health issues with stigmas.  Somebody suffering with one of the many forms of depression is "weak" or "broken" and should be ostracized.  We don't think of mental health the same as physical health.  We really should.  They are interdependent enough to be the same.  We need to take a long, brutal, honest look in the collective mirror.  There are no simple solutions to our problems as a society.  Worse, the longer we wait the more complicated and difficult the solutions become.  We need to take stock of ourselves and admit where we have failed, where we are failing now, and the difficult choices we have ahead.

When people need help, we as a community need to be proactive in helping them get it, and sometimes at the extreme of forcing them into places of help.  While you cannot truly help those who don't want to be helped, you can get them to places where they have a chance of taking ownership of their lives again.  We must understand the stigmas we reinforce every day and take personal responsibility for our actions, or more often inaction.  How many lives could have been saved, how many futures could have been better if we were willing to do the hard, expensive stuff that takes years to make a difference? 

History is important.  Knowing ours, knowing the history of those we talk about, and talk with is important.  Knowing the history of the systems we use, or take for granted everyday is important.  Understanding the interconnectedness of those systems is even more important.  I am a very stupid person, really I am.  Anyone who has read this blog knows that.  But even I can see how much we hide from the painful truths of ourselves because (insert any cliche excuse here.)

I lost my point somewhere... but then again I always do.

/end rant

On being not as sick as I could have been...

So its been awhile... again.  I know, I know.  I always say that.  What can I say, I'm lazy, and busy.  But mostly lazy.   So it goes.

So random venting, ranting, and praise time.

I am just getting over being sick.

Really sick.

So sick the medication made me sicker to the point of scaring all those around me pretty much completely and thoroughly shitless.  Long and short of it.  I had one of those really annoying persistent coughs that just refused to die, and occasionally got worse.  6 weeks of fighting it and I was done, ready for help.  So I go and get seen at the medical office.  They check me out and give me some antibiotics and an inhaler to get my bronchial swelling down.  On day 9 of 10 of the antibiotics I have a reaction, basically full body reaction.

I am fine, and will be 100%  recovered shortly.  In a weird way I am thankful for the experience.  I am not a "high user" of healthcare.  I work in the field these days and it was good to get a patients point of view.  Everyone I dealt with was nice, knowledgeable, and result oriented.  So I get to come out on top.  Many are not as fortunate.

This was a rare condition, as I am told 2 in 500,000 or so.  There isn't alot of first hand experience with it outside of very specialized departments.  Which is why I am so grateful to the people I dealt with before getting their.  They hit the evidence based research when in doubt.  They made sure I was doing what had been shown to work, not just what they thought might.  Doing that early was the key to minimizing the damage, and speeding up my recovery.

What scares me is that so many people are becoming anti-science.  Wanting things done that "feel" right.  If that had been the case for me,  I would be in intensive care right now, and would not be close to being on a recovery path.

I am not saying science is perfect, it can have a dark side.  I dont want to eat corn that has been engineered to be frost resistant and immune to DDT.  In this country I dont get much of a choice in that if I eat processed foods.  But so it goes.   At least with science though, we know what we know, and we know what we dont know.

The reaction I had is so random and could have been to anything, we dont know exactly why it happens to some, and not to others.  Yet.  But at least there is enough research into outcomes to know what works and what doesnt.

Ok thats long enough of a rant.
Later

Venture Brothers is about failure? Fantastic!

So change of pace.. sorta.  Ok not really my precious little internet gnomes.  Having just re-watched the first 4 seasons of the Venture Brothers show, and listened to DVD commentary, and the missing commentary, I find my love of the show deepening.  For those who haven't seen it yet... wtf?  Really?  Go watch you some.  I know that they put it on odd hours, dont re-air them often, and its not on Netflix, or Hulu but still.  You have internet, find a way. (insert comment about you being lazy bastards here)

Bringing it back to my love of the show.  In the "lost commentary" for the Season 1 episode "Home Insecurity," Jackson Public and Doc Hammer talk about how the show is really about failure.  How we all fail.  It's ok to fail, and move forward.  They also talk about how its really the 'failure of the space age, and the death of the jet age promises.'  Hearing that seamed obvious to anyone who's seen the show.  But it still stuck with me awhile.

Later I find myself watching Niel deGrasse Tyson talking about funding space exploration, and building a culture of high aspirations.   Click.  The two are entwined.  The promise of the space age failed to come to life because we stopped reaching out to space.  Yes, in many ways we have changed our daily lives in ways impossible to predict at the time.  I for one wouldn't trade the vast digital revolution for jet packs and flying cars.  That's just me though. 

But back to the how ok at failing works.  I have met, and worked with many people who are "perfect."  You know, never make a mistake.  Or it wasn't theirs in the first place, it was because of A,B, and C.  I used to be one of those total ass hats.  In alot of ways I still am.  I did learn however, that being able to let yourself fail, and acknowledging the failure is a great way to grow.  It frees me up to try other ways of doing things, lets me learn from what works and what doesn't.  Mostly though, it lets me learn what the root mistake was so I can learn from it.  We all could use more honest failures, because if we are honest we all want to be flying that jet pack in space... cowboys and cowgirls.

Musical Musings

I am sitting here with a cold beer, again.  Having just got out of the car, last song on the radio still swimming in my head.  Which of course has me thinking now.  I can't stop wondering what makes a song have that lasting impact on me. The more I stop and think about it, the more confused I get.  Each song hits me in a unique way, for an individual reason.  There is no general rule of thumb that I am seeing.

For example, the song that got me thinking about this topic.  It was the last song I head, "No Light No Light" by Florence and the Machine.  Not my usual cup of tea, but as the song played and the lyrics sunk in, I had flash backs.  Memories of the ugliest break up of mine.  Words from the song echoing words she had said to me at the time.  Still shaking a bit to be painfully honest with you internet gnomes.

Just as easily as my lack of light hits me there are other songs I think of.  Johnny Cash's cover of Hurt for one.  A song that haunts, taking a song about being trapped in drug addiction, and making it a song about growing old and alone.  Cracker's Low, because it transports me to a time and place that my old coworkers can still remember too.  The song got stuck in my head for a few months, and so those months on the line at the restaurant always pop in for a short 3 minute visit when that plays.

I wish I knew the formula.  It could save me from having my life shaped by inescapable bad songs, such as "All around the world" by ATC.   Also then I could write one, and get filthy, dirty, shamefully rich off of it.  Ok, I'd get someone else rich because I wouldn't know what to do with it.

I lost my thread of thought here somewhere, and I am out of beer.... so that's all for now.

Stupid Beer gut and shin splints..

So it's happened again.  I'm out of shape.  Only this time I am abit older, and nocturnal.  So yeah, that kinda blows the goat with tremendous vigor.  Let me explain.  As a youth I wasn't exactly a jock, but I was very active.  I played sports, took weight training in High School, and pretty much had the metabolism of a methed out humming bird.  I was never ripped, or muscular per-say.  I was however able to run a mile without panting.   The few times in college I felt a little out of shape, I'd start hitting the gym and playing the occasional pickup game of tennis.  Soon enough I was back to feeling ok.

This is were both my age and night owlness are hurting me right now.  My metabolism has slowed, and is harder to restart.  Not only that it wont dial back up to 11 anymore.  So no free calorie burning, which means actual physical work... with physics.  Getting home from work 12:30-1:00am is not helping with that bit.  So few gyms are actually 24 hours around me.. despite the names.  The ones are outside my budget.  And yes I know I don't need a gym to work out but it's a motivation thing.   Once I'm in the building I make the most of it, and push through the tired, and the pain to get that 1 more set, or one more lap.  Hard to do at home.

Another side effect of the lateness is the food.  I don't cook for myself as much as I used to, and I really should.   The amount of sodium and sugar in prepared foods, and fast foods is off the scales these days.  So those foods will trigger all sorts of hoarding mechanisms in my body, as well as make me more tired afterwards... which lessons the likelihood of me actually exercising.  Worse than that is the more junk food I eat the lazier I become, making it less likely I will cook for myself.  A vicious cycle.

The main reason I don't cook at 1am when I get home?  No food stuffs to cook with.  Grocery shopping is something to be done during normal business hours.  When my body falls into the sleep cycle it has I wake just in time to get ready for work, any errands have to wait for days off.  But I'm so tired that my days off are spent lounging, recuperating.

This is all overcomeable.  And I am starting to again.  It's just easy to remember this coming naturally and not step by step.  Well that's enough ranting time to put on some 80's rock, drink some eggs and beat the Russian.

/end rant

Mmmm love me some hardcore F1 racing...

Thank the gods F1 is back.  I don't care which gods you thank, any will do.  I just needs my speed back.  This year has already started crazy and I can't wait to see where it ends.  F1 mixes a good deal of my interests into one shiny loud place.  Politics, engineering, cleverness, talent, speed, adjustment, and the clarity of a winner.  Walking that fine line between creatively overcoming an obstacle and out right cheating.  Just damned fun to watch.  Oh, and there are races in the rain, night races, and crazy things that you just don't see anywhere else.

/end drool fest

Rapid thoughts on ownership...

So as I sit here writing a new post for the first time in several months, it is raining.  I have a lit cigarette and a cold beer.  I am staring at the night sky, seeing the fat drops of spring rain pass the street light across from my concrete porch.  My evening work schedule has finally turned me nocturnal, and the fighting of various call center germs and what have you have kept me spending more time recovering than doing non-work or non-work things than I want to.  But you know whose fault that is?  Mine.  Not yours, not the system, not the sea (who happens to be a cruel mistress.)

I can totally take ownership for my own actions and their results.  I am lazy, I prefer the learning to the doing, and I never like staying any one job, school, relationship too long.  As a result I don't have the resume, the contacts, the leads, and the other advantages I would have if my work ethic applied to grades, networking, or anything work related after I clock out of the office.  This is the bed I have made for myself, and while it is not where I would 100% choose myself to be I can see why I am here and accept it. (On cigarette #2 for those of you counting at home.)

Why do I bring all of this up now?  Well basically I work a customer service job, but the place I work is pretty lax and for the most part the calls are easy as can be.  The problem comes from those calls that aren't.   People will be people.  Which means they want easy fixes that require no work for them.  More importantly they want solutions that do not require paying for past mistakes.  Which is wonderful, except that physics is a bitch and there are no free lunches children. 

The most painful of these encounters are the ones where there is something that is far outside my expertise in fixing.  This can be something such as computer drivers not installed correctly so our service wont work, or that using a work computer that has us blocked and wanting me to push a button to work around that.  Or it could be something as complicated as home network settings combined with home theater setups using surround sound systems and multimedia streaming boxes.  Fixing this blind, over the phone, with equipment we don't make, service, or even have trouble shooting guides for.  I am sorry, but I don't know what is inside that nameless box you got when it fell of a truck is. 

People have always wanted easy outs.  And no one likes paying a specialist money to fix something.  Sad but true.  I know that's how I am.  Yet I am willing to admit when I need someone better, and if I ask an expert and he tells me I need a specialist and points me in the right direction that's ok too.  Better that than him taking a stab at it and making it even worse. 

This goes on to other aspects of life.  Several people I know (and out of decency and forgetfulness will not name) have ruined solid relationships by looking for the quick fix now and not the ownership of the fuck up.  Careers have been lost, cars that could have been saved become scrapped, roofs collapsed in, bridges fall, yadda yadda yadda.

Ok maybe I've ranted long enough, in summary just man up, own it, learn from it, move forward, and dont ask for majikal fixes.  Be big enough to know that you totally fucked it up royally and you will have to rebuild.  And please, dont blame me for your mistakes.  I have enough of my own to keep me busy.