Blaaarg! Why do I do this stuff?

Let me be blunt.  I fucking hate people.  But, as I have said many a time before, I have great faith in the future of humanity.  Yay cognitive dissonance.  I work a job, a customer service job basically, that requires interaction with many many many people a day.   I do it because it pays well, and thanks to years of training, and various side things such as my attempts at standup comedy, or team forming for competitive what ever have yous I am damned good at it.  Being good does not make me suited for this work in some ways.  It takes alot of mental and and "social" energy to fake it all shift long.  By the time I get off of work I'm spent.  This is not a very physical job by any stretch, yet it is possibly the most draining job I have ever worked.  I used to work 14 hour days in restaurants if you want a measuring stick. 

Why is this so draining?  Well as I just said, I hate dealing with people.  People suck.  A person can be awesome, helpful, amazing even.  However, when grouped together people tend to suck with great vigor.   Also being a human being... sometimes, I remember the bad interactions more than the good.  Any CS Rep will tell you that.  A customer who gets great service just accepts it, and tells almost no one.  A customer who gets bad service tells on average 5 people, and a customer who gets beyond amazing service (as in service that there is no way to routinely replication due to staffing/quotas/service level agreements/stats/money/monkeys/etc) only tells 1 or 2 people on average.  Its a loosing game.  Any one who's job security or pay rate is determined by surveys knows that the better service you give the fewer people take the damned thing. 

So I do this job.  Hoping one day to be away from people.  Because for now, when I get home from work I have nothing left.  I dont want to see friends, family, or strangers.  I dont want to do the physical activities I love.  I have no drive to go and be on stage, write new material, work on my blog, cook something from scratch, or anything else.  I just want to unplug, and zone out.  Which is the vicious cycle.  The less I get out in the world, the fewer things I do just for fun, the less stress I am able to rid myself of.   Which makes me more withdrawn.  I could do jobs that require less of me, but then the stress of money becomes too great.  So again, yay.

Thinking now, it has literally been years since I've been onstage.  I wrote some new material months ago... but never went back to work on it to make it ready to try out.  It got lost in a computer crash and I haven't even tried to rewrite it. 

And here comes the silver lining.

Its spring time... sorta... chronologically, and soon the weather will be decent as well.  Which means on my days off I will go out to the tennis court, or driving range, or paintball field, or for a jog in the park.  I will want to stay up late and see a good show, hang out with friends again.  It will get better.  But for now, I just want to hibernate in my cave in hide from those stupid people I have to deal with on a daily basis.  Which sadly means hiding from me, because as a person type thing, I'm a stupid person too.  So it goes.